I took a sabbatical…This is my first writing entry in over two years. Mostly because I just could not find the time. Well, here I am, two degrees later, finally finding the “time” to dedicate myself to my writing and one of my leading convictions.
Apart from never making time for my writing. I have not written any blog posts in the past two years because a lot of my ideologies and what I hold true as a feminist has been challenged. You see, the world is not as black and white as gender activism makes it out to be. As a result, I was torn on how and what to deliver in my writing. I even considered deleting some of my posts, however, I came to the realization that they are a representation of the growth I have undergone in my activism. 2 years ago, I was always ready to argue, to defend what I believe in. Nonetheless, in the past 2 years, I have given myself time to listen, to learn. If we take the time to silently observe, we would realize that there is always more to everything than meets the eye
This is a man’s world, and we are just living in it
My first observation was about a year ago, that was when I drafted this blog entry. I came up with the above title but never got round to finishing this piece. A young girl in Philippi township, Capetown had been raped and murdered, her lifeless body was found naked at a dumping site. The story was that she’d gone out drinking at night with some of her friends and had left said friends to go to her boyfriend’s place. As to be expected, when the community heard of this incident there was an uproar and large sums of people gathered on the day of her burial. Her heartbroken mother cried out “I always warned her about going out at night”. I too found myself thinking, where was she going in the first place?. I berated myself because, “as a feminist” how dare I hold such a thought. However, what ensued was a moment of introspection. This thought and her mother’s cry did not come from a malicious place, neither were we laying blame on the victim. It dawned on me that people tend to ask these questions…”Where was she going, why did she get into a strange man’s car, why did she entertain him, what was she wearing”…because we have accepted femicide as our normal.
Society has completely written off men and all the responsibility has been laid on women’s shoulders. Women are meant to live in constant fear of whatever atrocity men can commit on them because that is what is expected of men. The question is no longer, why do men commit these atrocious acts but the question has now turned into – but you know the society we live in, and what monsters men are, so why did you not take extra caution. We have normalized certain places being hotspots for such acts…of course she was gonna get assaulted because what was she doing in a night club. When Uyinene was raped and murdered in a post office, the biggest shock was that this had occurred in a post office. Agreed, it highlighted how unsafe women have become, that no place was safe. But the fact of the matter is that, it should not be happening anywhere, not even in a brothel. Nothing can ever justify such an act. My question is, is this it? Has the world completely failed at rehabilitating men in society. It looks to me that we have completely thrown in the towel and accepted this as our fate. Perpetrators need to be held accountable, this behavior need not be normalized. A female’s dressing, her nigh life should never seal her fate.
She was never taught to say NO, and he was never taught to take a NO.
Growing up as a Zimbabwean female, as with many other African nations, emphasis has always been put on the importance of being likeable as a female. Always be kind, be pleasant and to never be disagreeable. And this has meant us lacking the ability to assert ourselves. The inability to say no or to speak up when we are not in agreement. Speaking up for oneself is always perceived as being disrespectful, ill-mannered and rude. This leaves us very vulnerable because instead of firmly telling that creepy man NO or calling them out for their behavior. We always try to meekly and politely get them to stop. But what do you do when in that same society men have been led to believe that women love to play “hard to get”, and their polite no just means try harder. That this polite no, is flirtatious behavior. “She wanted it, she was flirting with me”, he’ll say. Firstly, you cannot teach one half of society one thing and teach the other half another (emphasizing the importance of celibacy and purity on the other while encouraging the sexuality of another). Secondly, let us teach our girls to be assertive, to be firm and speak up whenever they are in uncomfortable situations.
One time I took a taxi, and the conductor was rushing us inside and he laid his hands on my lower back as he was propelling inside. This was a very uncomfortable gesture, but I could not bring myself to speak up and say anything because I didn’t have the courage to and I didn’t want to make a seen. But for the rest of that ride, I felt disgusted, I could not forgive myself for not acting in the moment, I blamed myself for his actions because “why didn’t I say anything or refuse to get into that taxi entirely”. An observer would have said, she let him, she never said anything. A lot of women go have had such experiences, including rape survivors, we blame ourselves because, 1. this is man’s world 2. we were never taught the language of assertion.
For some time now I have wanted to delve into the issues faced by the other half of society, Men. The seemingly privileged and inhumane half. I did not see it fit to write about women and men in the same post for fear of taking the much-needed attention towards each gender but at the same time we cannot continue to treat the two as different entities because that only strengthens the division between us. The other reason being that I did not want this current post to sound like an apology for what I had written, which I am unapologetic for. I guess as a female and coming from a point of bias it took me a much longer time to get myself to have as much fervour and passion to write this piece as I did when I wrote the previous one. This by far was the hardest piece of writing I have ever written. There is a largely shunned definition for a feminist, that they are angry and bitter women who hate men. Feminists are not man hating but we are angry and bitter yes and I do not think that we should be apologetic about that. Surely, we are justified, are women not being culled and violated daily? ‘Gender as it functions today is a grave injustice. I am angry. We should all be angry. Anger has a long history of bringing about positive change’ (Chimamanda Ngozie Adichie). It is because of this anger that I fully claimed the tittle of a feminist, although the real strength of a feminist lies in not letting this anger cloud your sense of judgement and cause impartiality towards men. I have come to the realisation that if I embrace feminism as a one-sided fight, I would be a hypocrite and not embodying the true definition of a feminist. In a way a lot of us practice Misogyny in the name of Feminism. In fighting for women’s rights and equality for women men have lost the limelight. The fight against inequality is not the battle of the sexes to prove who suffers more injustice and who is the oppressed. We do ourselves a great disservice by alienating each other when what we need to be doing is fighting side by side. “Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man nor man of woman; for as woman was made from man so man is born of woman. And all things are from God” 1 Corinthians 11-12. What we need to recognize is that the true enemy is an inanimate and abstract object, which is the mental shackles of societal norms. When women speak, men should be willing to listen and when men speak women should also do the same and if we do not then how will we learn. Educate and truly listen to each other, sometimes that is all it takes. The problem is that we are not talking to each other but at each other, we hear each other but do not listen. If you are not willing to listen to your male/female counterpart, then why should they listen to you. Short story: A king complained that his feet hurt. He sought for someone to come up with a plan to cover the entire forest with soft material so that his feet would not hurt when he walked about. A clever young man heard that the king was offering gold to the person with the best plan. He advised the king to cover his feet instead of changing the entire forest. The king had a pair of covers made from animal skin and his problem was solved.
The problem is Gender Expression [how you demonstrate your gender (based on traditional gender roles) through the ways we act, dress, behave and interact.]. In the words of Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, ‘The single story creates stereotypes, and the problem with stereotypes is not that they are untrue, but that they make one story become the only story…The consequence of a single story is this: It robs people of dignity. It makes our recognition of our equal humanity different rather than how we are similar.’ The way women and men behave towards each other, and think is more nurture than nature. The difference between men and women is more in physicality than anything else. Women and men have different hormones that will affect their anatomy and psychology; however, society exacerbates those differences. We are all brought up in a world where stereotypes and gender roles have been constructed. In as much as women have been taught their place in the world, men too are taught their place in the world. Even before the hormones that bring about the obvious differences kick in; males and female are already being raised differently. They are taught how to feel and react to different situations, how to act, dress, what their interest should be. There are a set of masculine expectations that males need to learn. They must fit into what has been termed the ‘Man Box’. A man must be strong, tough, hard, never show weakness, highly sexual, breadwinner and so forth. Men are influenced by masochism, the only way they know how to express their feelings is by fighting. In no way can a man express physical or emotional weakness or else they fall out of the man box; they are weak, and a man can never show weakness. In truth there is a greater pressure on men to abide by gender roles, they are forced to fit into a hyper-masculine and misogynist mould. Anything outside the ‘Man Box’ leads to a man’s sexuality being questioned, he is called a homosexual. When a man does not conform, he is shunned by other men, ‘fear of guilt by association’. “Why does physical strength get to matter so much in an age where we don’t fight lions for our lunch” “To be a man is to be in charge. To be gentle is to be a wimp, a weak excuse for a man, an object of derision and ridicule.” – Michelle Tomey Men are intimidating, macho, powerful, respected. Etc. All the labels that we as women yearn for and are currently fighting for. These labels might be empowering for women but for men spell out completely different connotations and carry a whole lot more responsibility. If a man falls outside this criterion then somehow, he is deemed somewhat less of a man. Some then argue that a man is raised by a woman so in turn the woman is responsible for how the man turns out. I agree with this notion, but you see the woman only raises the man in a way in which society has taught her to. The African proverb, ‘If you educate a man, you an individual. But if you educate a woman, you educate a nation’ really comes true in this regard. Traditionally child rearing is regarded as a woman’s job, she disciplines and teaches the children while the man works. If a woman is not emancipated and empowered, how is she going to raise empowered men and women. Once again, we continue to breed generations of oppressed men and women. How many times has the story of gender been narrated through the eyes of a man and when it was, have we been willing to listen? I think it all boils down to the fact that for the longest time men have always been portrayed in a bad light, they have always been viewed as the perpetrator. It makes perfect sense that people will not be willing to hear from a man. In as much as many women have suffered horrendous atrocities at the hands of men, we need to accept that they too face a different set of societal pressures. The problem is that instead of attacking the root of the matter we attack the victims. While we are attacking men and casting all sorts of profanities towards them, the next generation of men is falling victim to this same plague and in turn we perpetuate this cycle of trashy men. Many other women fall prey to these burdened men with fragile egos. It is important that we inform ourselves to prepare future generations and for that we need to set a platform on which men can relate to the feminist movement. Let us start a culture of telling each other’s stories as well as our own. A man might be more willing to be educated on the issues of gender by another man and a woman by another woman. Secondly, we should be able to call each other to accountability, being silently feminist or an egalitarian [def: a person who advocates or supports the principle that all people are equal and deserve equal rights and opportunities] is not enough we need to address the problem and the problem is gender. Undoubtedly there are some good men in the world, instead of saying ‘not all men’ what are you as one of those good men doing in order to alleviate these issues. We have made immense progress in fighting for women’s rights and their rightful place in the world since first wave feminism, from women being allowed to vote, to participate in the working field. Presently women have a better social standing compared to then. I believe that there is only so far that, fighting justice systems, legislation and laws can take us. In the same way that effects of colonialism are still there even after the institution of colonialism have been broken down, the effects of gender inequality still exist. Yes, you might be able to get that position, that position, secure the bag but society will still consider you inferior as a female. Usually when feminists are made to argue their case that inequality really does exist, we’re forced to point out the obvious things like lower pay, prejudice against women, lack of representation, just so we can have a water tight argument but all those things are just secondary. We might fight for inclusivity in workplaces, parliaments and every other male dominated arena but at the end of it all what we get are mere handouts. In Zimbabwe women are pushing for amendments to the electoral act so that it provides for half of the seats in National Assembly and senate to be reserved for women. Outwardly this seems like a bold and empowering move for women but is this really the empowerment that we seek. I think that women are proving gender stereotypes to be right, that we as women cannot compete equally with men, that we need to be put just a step up for us to make it in this world. This is exactly what we are refusing, many women have fought in hard conditions, when odds were not in their favour and still came out tops. Women like Marie Curie who defied the odds in a male dominated field, in way harsher challenges than those of present day. What we need to break down are the social structures that are keeping us captive and if we do not then men and women will never be truly empowered. The empowerment we seek is being able to make our own decision, be ourselves, pursue what makes us happy without having to face stereotypes, be it gender, race, ethnicity. WHAT UNITES US IS FAR GREATER THAN SEPERATES US.
A view from a progressive and balanced male mind point of view.
Progressive – Promoting or favouring progress
towards improved conditions or new policies, ideas or methods. ²A person who
actively favours or strives for progress towards improved conditions, as in SOCIETY or government. (English
Dictionary)
Balanced – Containing elements in appropriate proportion, proportionately weighted on all dimensions and therefore unlikely to tip over (English Dictionary), without one side benefiting more than the other
However I chose to define Progressive as promoting, favouring and striving for progress towards the total leveling, equaling and fairness in the conditions that affect males and females across all divides that be in the society, at work or in the church and at home.
So the whole definition of Progressive and Balanced Mind from me would be – Minds promoting, favouring and striving for progress towards the total leveling, equality and fairness in the conditions that affect males and females across all divides without favouring any particular gender (However keeping in mind the duty of the present man in correcting the misdeeds of the yesterday man)
A whole separate group of people might say “well bud
a progressive and balanced minded person must surely be a feminist”, well guess
what, you are soo sooo sooooo much right. As the correct definition of a
feminist is “A social theory or political movement which argues that legal and
social restrictions on women must be removed in order to bring about EQUALITY of both sexes in all aspects
of private and public life” – (English Dictionary) And the unfortunate decide
to define feminism as “a radical group of women (mostly single, unmarried
and bitter) fighting to own the world”
The misconception and wrong definitions have been spewed by both genders, hence
so much has to be done to educated the present people on the real feminism. Accepted
well there are so many magazines and blogs including this one trying to teach
and open eyes on feminism and tearing down the gender divide. Feminism isn’t a
competition of the genders NO!!! Although a healthy competition is good for
progress and development it should never be regarded as a competition but
rather from the correct definition as the balancing of opportunities for both
genders. If you want to call it a competition then level the playing ground and
let the games begin. However I feel the target people the majority of people
who are ignorant to this particular topic don’t even use the social media,
internet or even have access to magazines. In a post I read on this blog the
writer was saying that it’s too late to try and educate the older generation
but after going through a long time of analysing how we can achieve progressive
and balanced minds, I remembered that this older generation are the ones we
send our children to and they spend most of their time with them and their
ideologies are rubbed onto the young children easily hence the need of
educating everyone this would be very difficult but we would be no different
from the previous “oppressors” if we don’t try to make them see how a change of
mind, perception can culture a beautiful tomorrow, with fairness and equality
an order of business rather than a favour or quota given to a specific gender.
A little background on me, I come from a family (extended)
with a lot of female children coincidentally I have uncles and aunts who are
very much progressive. I would never imagine a world in which my female cousins
were disadvantaged by the divide of the sexes and to the limitations imposed on
what females should do career wise. The world would have minus one Operations
Research and Statistician, we wouldn’t have an engineer and certainly we would
have lost out on having that tough and law keeping police officer. All those
opportunities if taken away from any of my female cousins, it would have
created a gap and certainly a fissure and weakness in the structure. And also
we would have lost out on having a Biotech Scientist in the Editor and owner of
this blog. And you, the reader think of yourself, your close female scientist
friend or relative, your very own trusted female doctor they all wouldn’t be there
if they had not had a progressive and balanced minds behind them to make them
realise their interest, curiosities and dreams! Hence the need for an up rise
of Progressive and Balanced minds from both genders.
On a larger scale had there been not a few progressive
and balanced minds from Madame Marie Sktodowska (7 November 1867 – 4 July 1934)
Curie’s era in the 19th and 20th century we would not
have an X Ray and whilst on this point think of how many times X Rays have been
used to save a lot of lives. That is how much a gap and weakness in structure
it would have caused in the world. She is the first woman to win the Nobel
Prize and also the first person to win it twice, not just twice but twice in
two different science fields – (Wikipedia). This is what happens when we level
the playing field. She was also the first female professor, now think of how
many great scientists (male and female) who were tutored by her. There is ton
lots of females that have done equally greater and better given same
opportunities with their male counterparts.
In conclusion, as a young man hoping to be a dear
father to children (daughters and sons), I want to give equal opportunities,
support them according to their interests and curiosities, tearing down gender
divides and standards set already by letting them chose for their own,
regardless the field being predominantly female or male.
“The movement that seeks to place women above men and trample men into the dirt” ( Urban Dictionary, 2008, no pagination)
“The belief in social, economic, and political equality of the sexes” ( Brunell, no pagination)
When I uploaded my first post, Women Up, the feedback that I got from the people was quite interesting because for the same writing everyone had something different to say and sometimes contrary to each other. Most people were on board with what I had written, they thought I was making valid points and that it really was time for women to Women Up. Granted the gender that mostly held this view was female however I did get some positive feedback from some males. One female told me that my post had not been feminist enough and one of my male friends said that it had been too feminist, aggressive even.
Maya Angelou said, “I am a feminist. I’ve been female for a long time now. It’d be stupid not to be on my own side.” People who are against feminism will try to manipulate this statement and claim that there is some sort of bias in this belief of feminism and that it is just a guise for women to gain more rights than men. Why is feminism so controversial though? What is it that we fear so much that we won’t allow it? Is it because of the term it self since it stems from the word female?
I actually do not know when I became a feminist. I was never aware of the fact really. I remember last year in matric, for English we had to do a prepared speech on social problems. Initially I wanted to do a speech on informal settlements because I had done something similar in Geography. In my preparation I realized that I did not have enough content and so I googled for possible topics and for some unknown reason I chose Gender Equality. In the process of gathering the information I can not really say that I had an epiphany or anything like that. After I had presented my speech a classmate asked me if I was a feminist. I knew I had heard that word somewhere before but I never knew what it meant. what I knew was that I was for gender equity. I said no, an answer that when I finally learnt what feminism, I wished to retract. You see, after hearing the word an ignorant me had assumed that she meant that I believed women were superior to men. Which leads me to my next question, should this term be changed to be more inclusive and to sound less lopsided. To answer this I would like to quote from Chimamanda Ngozie Adichie.
‘Why [FEMINIST]? Why not just say you are a believer in human rights, or something like that? Feminism is, of course, a part of human rights in general but to choose to use the VAGUE expression human rights is to deny the specific and particular problem of gender.It would be a way of pretending that it was not [WOMEN] who have for centuries, been excluded It would be a way of denying that the problem of gender targets women. That the problem was not about being human but about being a [FEMALE HUMAN]. For centuries the world divided human beings into [TWO GROUPS] and then proceeded to [EXCLUDE] and [OPPRESS] one group. It is only [FAIR] that the solution to the problem acknowledges that..” (2014, p. 16)
Feminism has been misunderstood by most people, I do not know whether to say it is ignorance or simply being misinformed. I feel the greatest disservice that has been done to the movement is having a misandrist ( a person who dislikes, despises, or is strongly prejudiced against men ) claim to be feminist. I am in no way faulting them , I believe that they too do not understand the truth of what they are advocating for. One can not claim to be a feminist and hate men or try to make women above men. As a feminist I thrive for equality between the sexes. Equality in every sense of the word and in every area of society.
Some people think that when we advocate for equality and woman empowerment we mean that women should now take over the roles of men. Ancient society was built on the bases of survival, men and women were assigned to different roles in order to enhance the chances of survival of the offspring. Even biologically our metabolism is specialized differently for survival of the species. For example in males wounds heal faster than in females, estrogen causes wounds to heal slower (Research gate, 2006, no pagination) and ” [m]en…are more burdened by illnesses during their life…and have more chronic illnesses than women…” All the differences that exist in men and women are simply for survival. If the father has an illness the mother will quickly recover and be able to look after the offspring and the same applies when the mother gets hurt.
However in modern society we have completely misunderstood these differences. If you were to look at males and females the main differences would be in our genes, hormones, anatomy, behavior and ultimately psychologically. “Boys and girls are naturally different but socialization exaggerates the difference” Men are naturally stronger than women, they are bigger, run faster, can lift heavier things generally men stand a better chance in a fight with women. There hasn’t however been any evidence to prove that gender has an effect on a person’s intellectual ability. So much attention has been focused on how weak women are physically as compared to men, so what they’re not physically strong?. When it comes to health men are the weaker sex throughout life (Health Harvard, 2019, no pagination). I do not see anyone constantly pointing that out. Yes men are stronger but that is so that they can protect us as women and ultimately our offspring and not for them to attack us and use this to claim superiority.
One thing that I have come to realize is that it is not only us women who suffer the consequences of gender, “…refers to the socially constructed characteristics of women and men- such as norms, roles and relationships of and between groups of women and men” (WHO, no pagination), but men too. Although they have been given the upper hand, not everything is rosy for them either. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe they are fighting their own battled but because society has taught them be strong and not curve into any emotion, they take whatever abuse that we subject them to, yes even us females are capable of being on the giving end. Another famous quote from Chimamanda Ngozie Adichie “…but by making them [males] feel they have to be hard – is that we leave them with very [FRAGILE EGOS]. The harder a man feels compelled to be, the weaker his ego is..]
The more I try to analyze and understand Gender Inequality the more I realise that it is the ‘root of all evil’. So many evils that we are fighting as a society and there seems to be no clear cut answer. Issues like gender based violence. Presently South Africa is experiencing a ‘surge’ of gender based violence and femicide. I refuse to call this a surge because I don’t think there has been a rise in such occurrences but that women are finally finding their voices. Rape used to be a thing that was swept under the carpet, if parents found out that their daughter was raped they’d keep it under wraps just to avoid being “embarrassed”. For a long time rape was a woman’s fault. Former Zimbabwean first lady publicly said that women wouldn’t be raped if they didn’t wear revealing clothes. Our female ancestors used to walk bare chested so what do you have to say about them, were they also asking to raped?, or was something wrong with the men then? or is there something wrong with the men now? If the first lady of a country says such a thing then it must be right and so women kept quiet for fear of being judged of being asked’ ” what were you doing there”, “Why did you use that road”? e.t.c.
“We teach girls shame. Close your legs. cover yourself. We make them feel as if though by being female, they are already guilty of something” but we turn a blind eye when it comes to boys’ behavior and see them as naturally sexual beings. It takes two to have sex so I wonder how that’s supposed to work out. Oh wait I know, women are supposed to say no and men are supposed to take forcefully because they are entitled. Men and women have been taught that women are subordinate to men. Because of these “fragile egos” when a woman says no to a man then they feel disrespected somehow less of a man. So they use the next weapon that they have been taught, ” women are weak and men are strong” and resort to violence, rape.
If only when it came to gender we would focus less on physical strength but on other things too, like intellect, creativity and individuality. In fact let us not focus on gender at all. When asked to write down the kind of world I would like to see when it comes to gender I said “A GENDER BLIND SOCIETY” Not meaning to say that we should completely overlook gender but when it comes to opportunities and everything do not look at the person’s gender and completely judge them on it. So many women capable of greatness but are not being given the time of day. Will you please give us a hearing.
Back to my introduction. When I finally realised that I was a feminist I went out and read up on it and I was hooked. I will try to make anyone who listens believe in feminism because “We should all be feminists”. I always love to debate with people on the issue in the hope that like myself they’ll “see the light” but it almost never works out this way. Most people usually argue against feminism by saying , ” simply because”, “society”, it is our culture”. I on the other always try to present the “facts”, statistics, what I and other females I know have been through. There’s this one friend of mine that always like to engage me on this topic. He doesn’t believe in equality at all, he believes women are meant to be governed by men. He goes on to say that the issue about the wage gap between men and women is justified. He claims to have read an article that explained why women are paid less than men. According to him, it argued that men are generally paid more because men are more willing to dedicate their lives to their jobs than women are. I said to him, well that’s good. Even I as an employer would kill for somebody like that but that is only because of his dedication and not that he is male. Secondly it doesn’t explain the reason behind the gender gap, if we are both doing our jobs well and you choose to go the extra mile that might I add is not required of you, why would I earn less than you.
His argument really didn’t hold any water but still he remained adamant that there was no gender bias in the working area. I then came to learn of what’s called Confirmation bias, the tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of one’s existing beliefs or theories. In simpler terms we tend to quickly accept whatever we already believe in. One thing that I ask of all males is, “try to put yourself in our shoes”, that are very tiny might I add. His other argument was that women are not being oppressed. Is oppressed to strong a word. Maybe because of our view on oppression due to our history of being colonies we have this radical understanding of what oppression is. Yes, women aren’t directly told that, “you won”t do this”, no. Society is so against the empowerment of females so much that these messages are implicitly conveyed to us. The world tells you what you can and cannot do. Invisible boundaries are engraved into our schema- a mental structure of preconceived ideas. Teach your young girls that the sky is the limit, that the world is their oyster in the same way that you teach boys. “Do not ever tell her that she should not do something because she is a girl. ‘Because you are a girl’ is never reason enough” ( Chimamanda Ngozie Adichie)
Stop teaching girls to be more aware of their outward appearance. We make them care about superficial things, beauty is only but skin deep. There is more to females. Let’s not teach them slender waists, shapely breasts and firm buttocks. Girls starve themselves, tease each other and some suffer from depression because of this narrow minded view of beauty. As long as you’re healthy then you are perfect. We as women should not conform to these oppressive definitions of beauty. Beauty lies within you, your mind, your radiant personality, that is what should matter. You will never fit into this tiny box they want you to fit into. When you conform to their narrow minded perceptions of beauty and “sexy”, they call you slay queen.
‘DON’T BE PRETTY BE BEAUTIFUL BECAUSE BEAUTY IS IN THE SOUL’
Women have been turned into sex objects. Advertisers using women’s bodies to advertise their products just because sex sells. Music producers using naked women to sell music videos. You can hardly ever see a man’s body being defiled and degraded in that manner. Now our bodies have been stripped of their dignities. The message is loud and clear, women are sexual objects meant to satisfy your sexual pleasures and fantasies. Currently society is ridden by the plague of prostitution, women’s bodies have been degraded to mere commercial products and a price has been put on them. Not to say there is no male prostitution, it is there but for some reason it is more appalling than a woman selling her body for money.
LET US TEACH THEM AMBITION instead. We should stop teaching girls that marriage is an achievement. Let marriage be as it shoukd be, two people finding companionship in each other. We should not teach our girls to aspire for it. From birth girls are being trained to be wives, cooks, cleaners, and if a woman is not able to do these things then she is deemed to be a failure.
We fear change, that is understandable but we can not keep sacrificing the happiness of our females just so we can stay in our comfort zone. My statistics lecturer once said during a lecture that the divorce rate has gone up and that is because women are more financially independent and can afford to walk out of an unhappy abusive relationship. Nothing wrong with what he said, but how he said it was. He was insinuating that this unstable society with dying relationships is the fault of women. In the opinion of the older generations, society is dying. How many more women have to be bashed, to lose their lives at the ends of our partners before we see how wrong we have been? ” A divorced daughter is better than a dead daughter” (Ngwenya, 2019)
I always argue with my grandfather on this issue. He believes that a woman is not worthy of respect. He say that an unmarried woman or a divorcee can never be respected in society. That a home without a man will be disrespected and defiled. Why? only because there is no male. Don’t I by the virtue of being human deserve respect. Something has got to give. Nelson Mandela says that, “As long as outmoded ways of thinking prevent women from making a meaningful contribution to society, progress will be slow. As long as the nation refuses to acknowledge the equal role of more than half itself, it is doomed for failure”.
Some will argue that it is our culture, that is how things are supposed to be. Logically the strongest and wisest person is supposed to lead and so men have led. How that made women subjects and of a lower status than men I am still to understand. If it is our culture that teaches us to abuse and maltreat women is it not time that we changed our culture. When you watch black panther you will see that Wakanda has an all female army,it was actually inspired by a real life all woman army in Africa ‘chosen for their incredible ability to beat up men’. The Dahomey or the Dahomey Amazons of the kingdom of Dahomey- now known as the modern day Republic of Benin ( The Sun, 2018, no pagination). So then how is it our culture, however there’ll still be people that will argue that there aren’t from their culture is different. African history hasn’t really been documented since writing hadn’t began before colonization, only a few cave paintings exist, so there are still pieces missing from our history (Sturtevant, 2017, no pagination). Virtually most of our history was lost. So what if we have this thing all wrong, just what if?
As the world entire battles gender based violence and femicide can we look towards FEMINISM for a possible solution.
I realize I wouldn’t be a true feminist if I went on and on about females and their oppression but to have written about the woes of men and women together would have taken away the much needed attention to either of the sexes. Gender is quite a complex and controversial issue to, one that cannot be fully discussed and resolved in one post. So help me as I try unpack the other half of society, MALES in the second part of this piece. In the meantime I wish for both parties to think critically on this issue, try and put aside all biases and try to understand our females more.
The last time I posted about social normalization, which is defined as the process through which ideas and behaviors that may fall outside of social norms come to be regarded as “normal“. But
then I got to thinking, it is these very norms that hold us in bondage.
Gender roles do not fall outside social norms rather they are social
norms. The question is however what is it that we define as normal?
If so then isn’t it time we question these norms. I’m in awe of the hold that society has on us but then the funny thing is that society constitutes of us. If we aren’t happy with these ancient norms then why not simply reform? Simple, it is not that easy. To try and oust century long ideological beliefs that we ourselves were brought up in sounds near impossible. However if we push to educate our children and pave for them a new way then we will slowly get there. Change is gradual and I have come to realize the reason why feminism is so largely frowned upon is that it sounds so radical. Complete Gender Equity will not be realized today, neither are we going to live to see it but the future might. Only if we start striving for it now.
To challenge the only thing that a person has ever known and try to convince them to all of a sudden start seeing things differently is in my opinion futile. I get so frustrated when I try discussing gender equity with ‘adults’, no matter how much I back up my claims they will always ‘stick to what they know’. I myself cannot claim to be completely unaffected by social conventions. I however recognize how completely wrong this is and my wish is for our generation to also make this realisation.
Going back to my earlier posed question. ‘What is it that we define as normal?’
It has been observed that there has been a ‘steady rise in IQ scores across generations that cannot be explained genetically ‘. IQ is not only the potential a person is born with, but an indication of a person’s developed “intelligence” by the time he is evaluated, after being exposed to the influences of his first years of life. This then shows that the way that life influences us has also changed. This I believe is the reason why we are at loggerheads with the way things are in the way that we live. The cultures of the past generations, the way they governed themselves, their education systems, all these things we have reformed to suit us, Why can’t the same be done with the gender roles that they established.
As African we are proud of our culture, it makes us who we are. I am equally proud of my culture and where I come from. Culture has been one of the greatest contributor to gender inequality. I am not saying that we should discard our culture, No. However something has got to change, refusing change is the main reason why we as the black community will not progress. If something no longer works for you, you either replace it with a new and better version or you improve it to meet your expectations. As is with our culture, we need to improve on grey areas such as the treatment of female children. Being female isn’t cause for exclusion.
‘Studies have shown that patients are more likely to consider doctors more trustworthy and knowledgeable if they are wearing the traditional white coat over formal clothing’.
I once came across an advert for a detergent that read , ‘Your house wife in a bottle’. If you ask me I’d say this advert had the exact same effect on it’s target market. I doubt that the majority of the people found anything wrong with it rather they found it quite befitting. A stroke of genius if you ask me who wouldn’t want to have their very own housewife in a bottle.
Normalization: ‘social normalization, is the process through which ideas and behaviors that may fall outside of social norms come to be regarded as “normal“‘
Such stereotypes towards women have become an engraved part of society so much so that we do not see anything wrong with such adverts. We have come to associate basic house hod chores with females to such an extent that we would trust the efficiency of our house hold products through their being likened to a house wife. Imagine it had went something like ‘Your husband in a bottle’, I doubt it’d have been approved, talk less of attracting customers.
Ever noticed how a lot of household products like dish washing liquids, washing powder, bleach, down to commodities like bread generally use women to advertise their products. Everything that we watch on television, see on social media continue to indoctrinate these society forged gender roles. Our female children automatically pick up an interest in domestic chores and start envisioning themselves as wives and mothers. They are made to play with dolls, cutlery whilst their male peers play with toy cars, tools e.t.c. Gender roles become embedded into their subconscious at a very young age, before they even have an understanding of the world they already hold a certain perception concerning gender roles.
So yesterday my grandparents made a remark towards my younger brother because he always has cereal instead of a proper meal. They said that, and this is a direct translation, ‘ If you don’t eat then you won’t become a strong boy’. If he cries then he’s told that a boy isn’t allowed to cry and that if he does then the other kids will laugh at him. The male child is made to believe that he is supposed to be tough and not show any weakness, you’d think they’re being trained for some war. Not only are girls taught their place in the world but so are boys. As they witness the upbringing of their female counterparts they also learn how females are supposed to be treated. And so the hierarchy of the sexes is realized.
I for one do not remember any of those remarks being made at me while I was growing up. All I heard was ‘munhu wemsikana haafanirwi ku…’ which is Shona for ‘a girl child is not supposed to’. It was all about what I could not do by virtue of being female or ‘as a girls child you’re supposed to’. It was as if I was handed a ‘THE DO’S AND DON’TS OF BEING FEMALE’ manual. Girls being told not play with boys because they’re rough and that we might get hurt. From a young age we’re taught to fear males and the harm they can inflict on us and so we always give in to them.
Gender roles have been normalized beyond normalization itself because real distinction between what is true and what is not has been blurred. Thus I find myself torn as I write this, are we trying to invalidate our way of being or we have been blinded by social norms so we can conform??…..
More often that not we have heard the remark ‘ Man up’ as if insinuating that there is strength in being a man. If a man shows any sign of weakness then they are told to stop being a woman, a whoose, a sissy and so on. These foul words depicting weakness are used in the same context with the word women so does this infer that women are weak?. Why? Does our nature of openly showing our emotions spell weakness for you? Is it because we’ve been quiet for so long, taken the back seat and let you lead like the ‘head’ you claim to be?
I beg to differ, women are powerful. To that woman that has raised her children all on her own, that woman that has picked up the pieces after being broken by a man, that woman who has been brain washed to believe that she’ll never amount to anything, that woman that has been abused time and again without any vindication. For all these women, I asy Women Up
I recently attended a workshop with a the Gender Reconciliation Organization and I realized how I held this narrow minded view of Gender Equality and mostly gender oppression. I then decided to make some additions to my alterations post.
Yes it is true that women have for the longest time been oppressed by the patriarchal society and still are in the modern world. Many young women stuck in the villages making fire, fetching water and whatever is the narrow minded view of a female’s place in a home.
What is gender? Well Google says that, “Gender is the state of being male or female in relation to the social and culturalroles that are consideredappropriate for men and women.” What I have deduced from this that Gender is something that has been hand crafted by society. It is something that we have normalized and used to box in the different sexes. Not only females have fallen prey to this.
Many females have failed to execute their dreams and ultimately their life’s purpose because of this social plague. Girls that have denied any form of education because they were only groomed for marriage. Families that have deemed educating a female child as a waste of time because heyy “she’ll get married and leave this family anyway”. Is her XX genotype cause for her suffering.
WOMAN UP 